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02/14/2006: "Suicide Car Bomber at 32nd and Chicago"
On Thursday February 9th, Former Council member Edwin Felien, ignoring great risk to his person and mental health, stopped an NSA suicide bomber under instructions personally delivered by Dick Cheney. This car bomber attempted to drive his car into the first floor of the Pulse Office Tower and detonate his explosive device.
Thanks to the quick reactions of the Pulse publisher, and former city council member Felien, the bomb was disabled before it could explode. “I just did what any Maoist newspaper publisher and building owner would do” explained Ed. “When the Car hit the building, I immediately ordered a full evacuation to ensure that my employees and tenants were safe. Then I disabled the bomb and attempted to secure the evidence. Unfortunately, the NSA agents, cleverly disguised as Minneapolis Police officers, removed the explosive device, the car, and the terrorist before my trusty cub reporter and photographer could safely reenter the building.”
We believe that the shooting on Cheney’s ranch the following weekend is related to the cover-up. The entire security apparatus of the US government has been brought to bear on this operation. This reporter has not even been able to get a denial out of the White House.
Speculation in extremely high circles is rampant. Is the fact that this happened just four days before President Lincoln’s birthday a coincidence? It would stretch credulity to believe so.
President Chavez of Venezuela has expressed his solidarity with the Pulse staff, and has offered his military to give protection. “If citizens are not safe in their place of work in the United States, it will be the job of the largest oil producing country in this hemisphere, as the areas major superpower, to provide protection.” Said Chavez. The Pulse owners and staff are considering this offer.
For the Humor impaired - this is intended to be humor.